Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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