please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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