So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
