my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
