What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
