Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
