I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I think my moral compass just broke
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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