I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
