Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
