I cannot find my penis.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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