ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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