Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
