dude i'm inner monologue high
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
