If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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