Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
