Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
