The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
