She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
