Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
