i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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