I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
