If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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