So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
