Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Houston, we have a blender
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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