Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
