I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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