My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
