cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
