He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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