You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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