Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
