Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
