cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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