Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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