This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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