can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
