Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
