she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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