textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
