Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
