i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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