P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
