I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
