There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
