you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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