When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
