Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
