she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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