My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
