The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your penis caused this!
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